Light at the End of the Tunnel

This is my very first blog EVER!!! So exciting! I've been wanting to blog for a while now, and just never got around to it. Life is very busy, as everyone knows! I may not have time to write every day or even every week, but I'll try my best to blog as often as I can. I've always loved writing and really feel that it helps me grow as a person. It can also help others grow and learn along the way. So here goes... Hope everyone enjoys According to Alisha! :-)

I wanted to share my testimony for my first blog, because in many ways, it helps others understand me. Where I've been, why I am the way I am... My past does not define me, but it has shaped and molded me into the person I am today, as have the amazing family and friends I have in my life! So I hope this helps you know me better and helps you grow as a person. I know it has helped others and I pray it will have an impact on your life as well.

I was born in Florida in 1983 to a very poor family. We didn't have much, but we had each other and love... I have 4 siblings: my brothers, Josh (6 years older than me), Terry (1 year, 8 months older), and Jake (3 years, 8 months younger), and my sister, Maggie (4 years, 10 months younger). Our mom, Diane loved us very much. She did her best to take care of us, even in the midst of poverty and unforeseen circumstances. She was a wonderful mother. She loved God with all her heart and taught us about Him. She also loved us with all her heart. My father, Terry was a wonderful father, when he wasn't drinking and abusing my mom and half-brother, Josh. You see, my father was an alcoholic and a very sick man. I found out as an adult that he had DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder aka Multiple Personalities). He loved us, but did horrible things to my mom and Josh. I won't go into the gory details, but I'm sure you can imagine. He would come home drunk and beat my mom in front of us. He beat Josh in front of us, too. He made them do unimaginable things that no one should ever be forced to do. When he wasn't drunk, I can remember having a lot of fun with him. He liked to make homemade fireworks and set them off in the backyard in Florida. I have a few great memories in that backyard. Playing in the sand, digging forts with the tractor my dad rented, farming (we had pigs, chickens, faretts, dogs, and even a few snakes. We also had a huge garden, which we loved helping with). But the thing is, I have too many bad memories that tend to overpower the good ones. My dad coming home drunk and yelling at and beating my mom and/or Josh (too many times to count), being locked out of the house at night because I was naughty, and one horrible incident where we were scared to let dad in the house when mom wasn't home, so we locked him out and all had kitchen knives. I don't even remember how we got out of that one. I have blocked many things from my conscious memory in order to protect myself, but many things have come back to me over time.

Josh was very traumatized from all he endured, and did not cope well. He began sexually abusing me when I was maybe 5 or 6 years old. Then shortly after that, my dad threatened to set my mom and Josh on fire. My mom called the police and he went to jail. The police said they could not keep him long without evidence and suggested we move as quickly as possible. My mom packed us up and moved us to Michigan, where all our family is from. We were scared and didn't know what was happening. My mom moved us around for several years, trying to get away from my dad. But somehow, he'd always find us. He'd live with us because my mom was so scared of him. But then they'd separate again and we'd move once more. This was the pattern for years. I went to seven different schools as a child. It was not a healthy, stable environment for anyone. Josh continued to sexually abuse me over the years and it got worse and worse. My parents divorced at some point (I don't remember exactly when), but my dad would still find us and my mom would either let him stay in the house or in his mobile home in the driveway. She only did this out of fear for her own life. She knew how dangerous my dad was. I don't blame her at all for the decisions she made. I know she did the best she could with the hand she was dealt. She loved us and she loved God. She was an amazing person. I couldn't have asked for a better mother.

At some point (again, I don't remember when), my mom caught Josh sexually abusing me. She got him some help and got me into counseling and a sexual abuse group. However, before long, the abuse started happening again. I don't blame my mom at all, because I know she tried very hard to help Josh and stop him from hurting me. But she had so much going on, with 3 jobs and my dad abusing her. I can't imagine what she was going through. She must have constantly lived in fear of what my dad would do next.

In the Summer of 1993, when I was just shy of 10 years old, we were living in Allen, Michigan. We had been going to church with our mom at Allen United Methodist Church. She was a Sunday School teacher there. My dad was in the hospital, so he had not been home in several days, if not weeks. My cousins, David and Shasta were over playing at our house with us. My grandparents, Dale (mom's dad), and Mary (Mom's step-mom) were babysitting us, because my mom was working. She was getting ready to go to a Christmas Around the World party (she sold Christmas Around the World items). I was upstairs with my sister and Shasta. We were playing dolls in our room. It was an ordinary day and we were having fun. But that quickly changed. We heard what we thought were fireworks, and ran downstairs very excitedly because we thought dad was home and brought homemade fireworks for us. But when we walked into the kitchen, we saw my dad pointing a gun at my grandpa. He then shot grandpa in the shoulder. Grandpa fell on his knees. He began begging my dad not to hurt us kids. Then my dad shot grandpa in the head and he fell to the floor. We were screaming and crying. At some point, Terry and Jake had come downstairs also. Josh and David were nowhere to be seen. My dad told us to go to the neighbors house. He walked us to the back door. We saw Grandma Mary laying on the floor by the back door, covered in blood and moaning. Her glasses were broken and there was glass and blood in her eyes. The glass on the back door was also broken. We screamed and cried even harder when we saw Grandma. Shasta was very close to grandma and took it the hardest. She knelt on the floor beside grandma and clung to her, screaming, "Grandma, no! Grandma! Grandma!" We literally had to pull her off of grandma to get her out the back door. Then my dad walked us to the neighbor's house. While standing in his yard, I looked up at my dad and begged him, "Please don't hurt mommy." This is the moment I struggle the most with. My dad looked down at me, with his hand on my shoulder, and said, "I'm sorry honey, but your mommy is already dead." I could not believe what I heard. I was in shock. I just cried and cried and walked numbly to the neighbor's front door. When the neighbor answered the door, he asked what was wrong when he saw how distressed we all were. We told him what happened and he called the police. At some point, my dad had run off somewhere. We stayed with the neighbor, who was an elderly man, for a little bit and he gave us milk and cookies. Then the neighbors on the other side of our house found out what was going on and picked us up. They took us to their house. They locked the doors and closed the shades. There were police sirens everywhere. My Grandma and Grandpa Smalley (mom's mom and step-dad) came to the neighbor's house and told us that my mom was shot at Jack's Cracker Barrel (a small store and gas station my mom worked at) down the road and died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. They said my Grandpa Dale and Grandma Mary did not make it, either. Apparently, the police chased my dad for a while, then he shot himself in the head. We found out later that Josh and David were outside when my dad got to the house and saw him get out of the car with a gun, so they ran. I was told that Josh went to Jack's Cracker Barrel, because he knew mom was there getting some things for the party. He saw her on the ground in the parking lot, before the ambulance came to get her. It was a horrific nightmare. We lost both our parents and our grandparents that day.

Grandma and Grandpa Smalley took us to live with them. Mom had written a will and letters to each of us. She wrote them TWO YEARS before she died! That's how scared she was for years. She knew my dad was going to kill her at some point. That makes me the saddest. Knowing how my mom lived in fear for years. Knowing she couldn't be truly happy and enjoy her life, because she could never escape my dad. I loved my dad and I forgave him years ago, because I knew what he did was because of the alcoholism and DID he suffered from. The real him would never do that. He loved us and he loved my mom. But he will forever be the person who took my mom away from us. We can never get her back, until we meet in Heaven someday.

My grandparents got us the help we needed; counseling, support groups, etc. But nothing seemed to help. I'm sure we all had PTSD. We had nightmares for weeks after that day. Shasta and David lived with us for a while, until they were able to move back with their own parents. There was so much support coming from all over. The people of Camden and Frontier, Michigan donated a lot of money, food, clothes, etc. They also donated their time and building materials and built an addition onto my grandparents house to make room for 5 children. It was an amazing show of love and support. There were also many news reporters for weeks and months after that. There were bad ones and good ones. Some wanted to get as many gory details as they could, while others wanted to tell the good side of things. I remember one reporter interviewing us about what life was like after losing my parents, how good it was living with my grandparents. I showed them my pet frog, Speedy.

We started school at Camden-Frontier and made new friends. We met two of the teachers, Dave and Dawn Follis, who lived across the road from us. They took us under their wings and became like family to us. They were Christians who taught us about God and showed His love through their actions. I started counseling with Brad Bohner, the school counselor, who was wonderful. He really helped me understand everything. I met a good friend, Mandy, who became my best friend all the way through school. Dave, Dawn, and Mandy became my rocks. They loved me no matter what and were always there for me. I also made good friends, like Aimee, Amanda, Katy, and Levi. We were the Christian group in school. We started going to church at Frontier United Methodist Church and met more amazing, supportive people, like Bonnie Reicharrdt, Madonna Green, and Sonja Easterday. Things got better for a while. Then they got bad again when Josh started sexually abusing me again. Finally, my grandma caught him when I was about eleven years old. He went to a youth home and I never saw him again. Grandma would go visit him, but I always refused to go. He hurt me too much for too many years. I got into counseling and sexual abuse groups, yet again. But still, nothing really helped. I was numb for years, not really dealing with my feelings. Just holding them inside and keeping them at bay, so they didn't hurt so much. I had a lot of issues as a teenager. I was a Christian, but kind of bitter because of everything I'd gone through. I started going to church with Mandy at House of Prayer in Montpelier. But nothing seemed to help. I loved God with all my heart (I have my mom to thank for that), but I was still numb and felt a void in my life that I did not know how to fill. I tried partying a few times, made out with too many boys... I tried filling the void with worldly things, but of course that only made it worse. When I was 16, I met a cute boy, Josh, at Kroger where we were both working. It was the Summer before our senior year of high school. We had sex and I felt horrible about myself. I loved him and wanted to be with him, but felt like such a bad person because I'd always wanted to wait till marriage to have sex. It was my fault, not his. I tempted him and I initiated it, but it was a cry for attention. I wanted someone to love me. I think part of me also wanted someone to say, "No. I don't want you for your body. I want you for you. I love you the way you are." But of course, how could he know that? He was only human. And a teenage boy to top it off. What did I expect, that he would really be able to say no? It's like dangling a juicy piece of meat in front of  a Lion and expecting it to say, "No, I don't think I'll eat that. I can show some self control." It's my fault, not his. I don't hold any ill feelings toward him whatsoever.

I went off to college in 2001 to Spring Arbor University. I visited with Josh as often as I could. We planned to get married in the Summer of 2002. But before we could, I found out I was pregnant. I moved into the married housing apartments and Josh and I got married in May 2002, then he moved in with me. Our daughter was born in June 2002, 7 weeks early. She was in the hospital for 3 weeks. I continued taking classes after Haley was born. I had an amazing life. I was a young mother and scared, but I loved Josh and Haley. Things were going well. Then in the Winter of 2004, I became very depressed. I was freaking out about almost being done with college and not knowing if I really wanted to be a teacher or not. I had never dealt with depression, so I didn't know what was happening to me. I couldn't sleep or eat for weeks. I lost a lot of weight and became like a zombie. My good friend, Dawn helped me get to doctor appointments to figure out what was going on. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and started on medication. I also started counseling. For the first time in my life, I actually started dealing with my issues. I went through all my past trauma with my counselor and dealt with everything a little bit at a time. It was so painful, but so worth it in the long run. I finally had closure. I finally found peace. I realized that I had been a victim my whole life. I was very negative and complained about everything. But I did not have to live as a victim anymore. I was set free, because of Jesus, Dawn, and my wonderful counselor! The burden was lifted off my shoulders. I could finally breathe. There was light at the end of the tunnel! It had seemed so far away for so long, but I was finally standing right in the light! It felt amazing! Of course, I still had issues. Anyone with my traumatic background would. But I was much happier. I continued meds and counseling until I felt confident enough to stop. I should not have stopped my medication, however, because I had a relapse of depression the following winter. I went on and off my meds for a few years, but finally realized I will have to take them for life because the depression may not go away. It's always worse in the Winter months.

Our second daughter was born in January 2007, 8 weeks early. She stayed in the hospital for 7 weeks. We are so blessed that our girls are healthy and happy! :)

I got a Master's in Counseling in 2010 from Spring Arbor University. That program really helped me grow as a person, personally and professionally. I became a counselor and loved helping people. I worked with Families First as a counselor, then a Case Manager and Home Based Therapist with Integro. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2013 and lost my job due to being on medical leave for too long.

We have been extremely blessed in our lives. We've had our ups and downs, but we all love each other and are making a good life for ourselves. We go to church at Camden Missionary Church and have an amazing church family. We still have Dave and Dawn and our other amazing family and friends. We lost my Grandma Smalley to cancer this year and several friends and my sister have moved away. It has been a sad year, but we are still making it work. I am now trying to get back into teaching, as I've realized my passion for it. I love children and youth and really want to have an impact on their lives. So right now I'm substitute teaching and working on getting my teaching certificate updated. I'm hoping to find a teaching job next school year.

I love my life so much. I may always have Bipolar, depression and anxiety, but with meds and the support of my amazing family and friends, it's manageable. Maybe someday I will be completely healed from mental illness. If not, I'll still be happy. I'll still love God and my family with all my heart. I'll still live life one day at a time and make as many memories as I can. I am so truly blessed! Thank God for that. Thank God for the light at the end of the tunnel! <3